Those Aren’t Glasses…They’re Safety Goggles
That’s me. My daughter took that photo yesterday when we were at a park. I don’t like those glasses. I don’t know what I ever got those frames. But I don’t like them. At all.
But those glasses saved my life.
So you know how you’re knocking around the house with your iTod cranking (Dancing In The Street, Van Halen/Diver Down) and you’re thinking it’s a cryin’ shame the world can’t enjoy your dance moves — the very fly dance moves which you’re (me) throwing down while you separate the darks from the whites, not unlike Jesus separates the sheep from the goats.
With authority and divine command. And Van Halen.
So there I am getting all up in the face of the stains and spraying them with Spray & Wash to the beat of *wild electric guitar* “Woooo!! Haaiiiiiaaa-Yeah!!”, and then I trip over Stupid Box of I Don’t Know What It Was but it was in my way.
So now I’m ticked off because the timing is all screwed up and it’s not like you can just start it over and — well…okay, actually, yes you can do that. But I was already too far into it to be in the mood for ‘Cut! Take two! Action!’ (and don’t even try pretending you don’t do this too), so I kept on with the music…
…and set down the Spray & Wash real quick. So that I could bend over and grab the Stupid Box. Which I did. And then I came back up and decided in a flash of brilliance to just go ahead and set it right on top of the other box up on the shelf above the dryer, right? Right. No problem.
Except that the other box had, sitting in it, a can of Lysol Disinfectant Household Spray. Pointing forward.
With the cap off. And the nozzle M-16-AK47 Red Laser Light Scope thing dotting my face like I had measles.
But I didn’t see any of this. I was too busy seeing stars and wiping blood off my back.
Let’s back up a tad.
Whites. Darks. Sheep. Goats. Jesus. Also Van Halen. Dancing in the Sheets. (ha ha). Street. Spray and Wash. Moves. Busting moves. Stupid Box. Pick up box. Set atop other box.
Spray.
Right in my face.
Which would seem to beg a quick edit from “seeing stars” to “seeing Lysol spray my face.”
But all that happened too quickly. Because as soon as it hit my face, I yelled because I have no idea what just happened.
I just know I finally found the piece to the damned vacuum hose I’ve been missing. Because it was in the crawl space. Which I fell back into. Because the crawl space door was open.
So I got sprayed by The Lysol, yelled, hands to eyes, step back, trip over sheep and goats and then trip again over [unknown object] and start falling into the crawl space.
But not all the way. Because my back caught the upper jam and cut me. And writhing there on the ground cussing like you do when you’ve been pepper-sprayed by the household air freshener you ladies really should keep in your purse as a backup (I’m just saying), I realized three things:
#1) I’m bleeding.
#2) These stupid glasses just saved my life, even though I hate them and
#3) I found the part to the vacuum I’ve been missing! Yay!!
Just read aloud to my wife in bed. Cracked up! Thanks for allowing us to laugh at your misfortune…or fortune perhaps. Hey, you found the hose!