How To Stalk Me
Okay, this is going to drive me straight to a bar and someone else can pick up the kids this afternoon I don’t care.
It’s this Subscribing to the RSS Feed thing. I’m trying to explain this to a few people half the world mortals who I love, and I keep screwing it up.
So. Let’s start at the beginning:
Is your computer plugged in? And don’t think I haven’t run into that one. If you knew how many people call, text, and email me EVERYDAY asking me to ‘fix it’ on their computers you would swear I was making it up. But I’m not making it up. And by ‘fix it’ I don’t mean the RSS thing. I mean anything. On their computer.
It all started with the day I wiped out my friends brand new hard drive by accident. I mean totally wiped it out. It was an accident and, to this day, he doesn’t know it happened. And he doesn’t know it happened because I saw my whole life flash before my eyes and wet myself on the spot. And then I spent the entire night (and I mean I watched. the. sun. rise.) fixing it without ever telling anyone what I did. But I fixed it. That was way back when computers were operated by Hamsters On Running Wheels. And ever since then, baptized by Lucifer’s fires licking my bottom (so did not come out right, that one), computers have just somehow been second-nature, and that little morsel has a way of making you the go-to guy when it comes to things that aren’t working right. Like…
…the RSS thing. I keep hearing about people who are reading and enjoying the blog and that totally jazzes me and makes me want to dance around the house with We Are Family (Sister Sledge) rocking the whole block and don’t even pretend you don’t get that.
But I’m also hearing from my Way Cooler Than All Of Us Put Together friend, Lady B, (who happens to have the two coolest profile photos known to Facebook) that some people are for some reason not able to get the Subscribe to RSS thing to work right.
So. Cry me a river I don’t care We Are Family is cranked right now and even though I’m White and officially Not Allowed To Dance, I have to bust the moves for a bit.
Okay, I’m kidding (lie), here’s what you do:
You want the RSS feed? There are several ways.
Way One: Put this in your browser:
feed://www.waltzinginperdition.com/feed
When you do the WIP™ page will transmogrify (it’s really a word) from this:
into this:
See that blue header? See all that bold text? See all that other text? See how much I’ve written? See how I have no life?
Shut up.
Okay, that’s an RSS feed. No one actually knows for sure exactly what RSS stands for, but I can just about promise you that some anemic concave-chested kid with dyed black hair obscuring half his face, but who could hack into Fort Knox before homeroom is over could tell us. And I happen to know this kid. He told me it means “You’re an idiot and my generation is just waiting around until yours dies off.” And then he laughed and I pretended not to snap his glass slipper of a little neck between my thumb and index finger before We Are Family was over.
RSS stands for “Really Simple Syndication” but sometimes “Rich Site Summary” and all it is is a quicker way to read any web site. But the fun’s just started. If you have a site that affords an RSS feed, like WIP™, and you want to be alerted each time White Men Who Think They Should Be Allowed To Dance (they’re not) posts something, you can tell your browser to mail you a notice from the RSS page. Okay, now. See over there on the right column of the RSS feed page? Where it says Subscribe in Mail?
Click on that and it should automatically open your mail program and send some code across the universe which will put a notification of some sort in your email program that’ll tell you when WIP™ does anything. There are way too many mail programs out there for me to detail each one’s unique characteristics, so if you’re still stuck on this one, just keep reading. There are five more ways to skin this cat.
And That’s Way One.
Way Two: if you really really REALLY want to stalk me, the quickest, easiest way in the world is to send a note to todd@waltzinginperdition.com and I’ll see to it that the hamsters get a triple cappuccino and get your name added to the list of people who want to be emailed every time WIP™ blinks.
In the email just write something like, “Yes! I too would like to laugh every day and remind myself my life sucks less than yours!” and bing-bang-bam you’ll be ‘subscribed.’
That’s Way Two.
Way-Three: Okay, see this little orange RSS icon right here:
Click on that, and that web feed address will automatically (term only web people use coming here) populate your url window and your browser will (another word only web people use but start using it because even though it’s geeky it really is cool too) resolve at the RSS feed, and you’re good.
That’s Way Three.
Way Four: See the little blue tiny RSS symbol at the right side of the browser’s url window right here?
Any site that is coded to give an RSS feed has one of those. I don’t know how it happens, it just does (lie. I know exactly how it happens but it will bore you and then scare you because it’s the sort of thing that makes you wonder ‘okay, if he knows how that happens, you don’t suppose he could hack into my bank account, drain the sucker and we’ll never see his big fat butt ever again because he’ll skip town with all my money and go live in Cabo, do you?’). And, yes I can, but no, I never would (lie.)
Okay, yes I’m lying. I never would.
But give me a cappuccino and a little Sister Sledge and I’ll bet you we could all be millionaires sipping Mai Tai’s on a beach in Cabo by next week.
If you click on that it will do some form of everything I’ve explained here.
Okay, here’s the last way:
Way-Five: You have to fly me to your home so I can roll my eyes and DO IT FOR YOU GAWD LOL.
But if I come over, I’m bringing the iTod and we’re going to show these kids what bustin’ the moves to We Are Family is supposed to look like.
Now…start stalking.
If I click on the link “Welcome to the Waltz! If you’re new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.”
I get this:
Internet Explorer cannot display this feed
This feed contains code errors.
Go back to the previous page.
ummmm…..oh, did i say something? sorry to start the spin friend. but boy do i know a whole lot more about rss feeds now! good lookin’ out! ;) tequilla anyone?
Jaci, I’m on it. I’m on it in a way that is, all by itself worthy of it’s own story, starting with (and this list is not complete) locking my only set of keys to my car in my car. The rest is unbelievable and borders the obscene so it will just have to wait until tomorrow. In the meantime, though, I’m going to go ahead and put your name on the Subscribed Mail list manually. And because you’re having to deal with a very attitudinal Internet Explorer…I’m just going to have to see about The Minnie Beasleys Cookie Company making it worth your while ;)
my rss feeder in Apple Mail works just fine, so much so that I wonder if you do anything but write blogs somedays when the feed shows 6 new posts at once…on the same day. Get a life, or maybe more stalkers…
Thank you! I am getting my email and I think I got the RSS to work at home but not with the link (?)
Jaci! Glad to hear it! But I’m still going to have to force upon you the Minnie Beasleys Cookies for being so patient. Sorry.