Once Upon A Time
I close my eyes and think, “I never dreamed that once upon a time I’d have three children bouncing off the walls like primate extras on the set of Planet of the Apes.”
Because once upon a time, I didn’t.
Once upon a time I didn’t have Bailey the Golden Retarded sprawl himself out forcing a total reset of the chessboard because of his big fat butt.
Once upon a time I didn’t have a recalcitrant teenage boy, who so desperately needs his [backside] handed to him in chess, handing mine to me.
Once upon a time I didn’t have a child sitting at the restaurant table kicking kicking kicking the table, who had no idea what I meant when I gently seethed, “sit…indian…style,” which then forced me to switch vernacular gears and basically let the whole room hear me not-so-gently seethe, “CRISS-CROSS-APPLE-SAUCE!”
Once upon a time I didn’t have a tiny little daughter chucking Attitude all over the room because I denied her enough sugar to stop all brain activity stone cold, and insist she actually eat the food on her plate.
Once upon a time I didn’t have a Cute Redhead, who had no concept of whistling anything resembling a melody, whistling things resembling nothing like melody. Loudly.
All the time.
Once upon a time I didn’t have a cat that has less short-term memory function than Dory from Finding Nemo, and who (if cats can actually do this) mourns for food like her dish is the Wailing Wall.
Every ten minutes.
Once upon a time I didn’t start my day bright and early while the soft, gentle snowflakes lighted upon the windowpane while I poured myself a cup of coffee…but not before setting the coffee container on top of the refrigerator, altering the available surface area.
Once upon a time I didn’t see a bottle come FLYING off the top of the refrigerator, hit my hand holding the cup of black bubbling napalm coffee, then land on the sugar bowl.
Once upon a time I had no working category for a sugar bowl triple-back-flipping like it just nailed a perfect ten in the Coffee Olympics.
Once upon a time I would have had to answer, “No,” had you asked me if I’ve ever seen sugar EXPLODE in midair like a bomb went off in a fifty pound sack of sand.
Once upon a time I didn’t have the dishwasher open because I was unloading it while all this happened, and watch the (now empty) sugar bowl fall and bust into a million heat-seeking shards of glass while, at the same time, cover the clean dishes like soft, gentle snowflakes.
Once upon a time I lived in a fairy tale world where none of these things happened.
But then my Once Upon A Time was woken from its sleeping beauty and I found myself surrounded by grumpy, happy, dopey, bashful, sneezing little dwarves, whistling fair maidens, cheshire cats, and one dog I truly hope never leaves us and goes to heaven. Or his big fat butt.
This is what you call Living The Dream.
Because…
The snow is still falling softly and gently. The house has stopped rocking. The kids are fed, safe, and warm. The Golden Retarded is snoring at my feet, and I can see the cat’s tail (only the tail) sticking out from under the couch over there. Cute Redhead’s “whistling” has throttled back to that hum she hums when she’s whisking around picking up this and straightening up that, and me, the High-Powered Man Who Just Got His [backside] Handed To Him In Chess, has made it to the end of the day which, two hours ago, looked for all the world like it’d never end.
And I happen to believe that, one day, I’ll sit in some Too Quiet, close my eyes…
…and daydream it all back.
Todd! Thanks for the cleansing, choking, blow bagel out your nose, laugh. Especially love the criss cross apple sauce. But you forgot the “On your knees if you freaking please!” part of that endearing rhyme.
Linda
You couldn’t do that again if you tried!
Linda, so did the whole restaurant.
Melissa…I don’t want to try. Ever again lol
Linda…STILL laughing at the ‘on your knees’ part lol!