Run To The Light
See those beautiful trees? See those magnificent mountains behind the trees? See that brilliant blue sky and the dizzying splendor of the sunshine? See the gentle snow, softened by Nature’s soothing murmurs?
See all that?
Let’s just soak it all in for a quiet moment, shall we?
* * *
Okay, first of all, yes I took the photo with my iPhone (here I genuflect). And though it is the device the world over (unbelievers, shame on you), it is not the photography device I want. I want a Canon Rebel TXi. I think that’s what it’s called. Nevertheless, the iPhone was immediately at the ready when I realized it could capture the last remaining moments of my life and provide outstanding footage at my memorial.
Should they ever find my body.
* * *
So we all decided to go skiing, which we’re wont to do of a weekend here in Colorado. We loaded the up the beloved SUV and headed up to just above 11,000 feet to meet several friends, a billion kids, and not nearly enough wine to convince me (yet) the undertaking was at all wise.
[clicks remote]
*Flash forward to the scene where I am about to get off the chair lift while simultaneously realizing that the time span between First Snowboarding Lesson and Actually Practicing Snowboarding is roughly the same distance between planet Earth and the moon.
*Swear.
*Get off chair lift in one piece.
*Thank the Trinity.
*Wave goodbye to everyone else in group as they head down mountain.
*Access Male Limbic Brain for stored catalogue of Previous Snowboarding Lessons.
[Files Deleted]
*Swear.
*Access iPhone (sign of Cross).
*Note full coverage atop Very High Mountain in spite of total lack of oxygen.
[thank you, Steve Jobs] [*fist bump]
*Look up: “Helicopter Service.”
*No Helicopter Service.
*Swear.
*Gird loins and just head down Very High Mountain on snowboard.
*Glide.
*Glide left.
*Glide right.
*Smear body on side of indigenous tree atop Very High Mountain.
*Swear at tree.
*Cease gliding.
*Commence falling.
*Fall on face.
*Get up.
*Glide again.
*Glide right this time.
*Bad idea.
*Fall on face again.
*Get up.
*Glide left this time.
*Also bad idea.
*Land on butt so hard I see stars.
Stars.
*Repeat.
*Five times in a row.
*Access iPhone and text friend.
*Swear in text message.
*Swear badly in text message.
*Receive “funny” response from friend.
*Realize now-former friend doesn’t realize I’m not laughing.
*Lie in snow drift in so much pain that I’ve lost all my good humor.
All of it.
*Turn head to the left.
*See pretty scene of indigenous trees, snow, blue sky and dizzying splendor of sunshine.
*Bright Light.
*Tunnel.
*Run to the light.
*Mistake dizzying splendor of sunshine for Died And Went To Meet The Lord.
*Swear.
*Wish I was in bed.
*Wish I was in traction.
*Wish my mom was here.
*Sit up, take off snowboard.
*Admit defeat.
*Walk. Down. Mountain.
*Meet up with Cute Redhead, rest of skiing group.
*Watch everyone’s smirk slide off their faces when they realize Extent Of My Bad Mood.
*Actually exchange Very Bad Swear Words for “Gee, that was…difficult.”
“Well…I’m sorry. And I think Emma might be ready for a break too, anyway.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.”
“Got it. Emma?”
“Yeah, daddy?”
“Come with me. You’re about to find out what a Margarita is.”
“It’s only 11:15, honey.”
“I know.”
OK, first, there is a reason I ski at Deer Valley..NO STUPID SNOWBOARDERS ALLOWED..they are of satan!
Secondly, as a former ski patrol, you texting while actually on the hill in all of this splendor..you deserve to pull a Sonny Bono…if you want to text while you are supose to be concentrating on something else, then get back behind the wheel and on the highway where you belong.
HA, Im 10 states away, so you cannt hurt me, Mr. Not so Wicked Strong NOW. :)
I wasn’t texting while I was boarding. I was texting while I was dying. Big difference.
Ah Sorry Man, i feal your pain, I tried boarding once, thought, “how hard can this be”. Two hours that is all it took, never again. At least with skiing if you catch an edge you can go sideways, boarding you SLAM into the snow, face first with your feet in a Spica cast. Good excuse to take up drinking again though.
For the record (and I’m not sure this will make you feel any better) the first time I attempted to snowboard was at Indian Head in Michigan. Rented the board and went careening down the hill until I pulled a scorpion.
Scorpion definition: To fall face first while snowboarding with such force as to cause one’s legs to snap forward with the board still attached at hitting the rider in the back of the head.
I was carted back up the hill on a ski patrol snowmobile. Never made it down…once.