A Special Kind of Stupid
Okay, I’ve put this off as long as I could. That is, until I was sure.
And this, folks, is one for the record books.
You’ll recall my realizing that my vision was getting weirder and weirder by the day. You’ll recall how I brilliantly deduced that this meant that the years had caught up with Opey and, try as I might to deny it, I was looking 44 square in the face.
And 44 was staring right back.
Except I couldn’t see it because it was all blurry.
Glasses on. Glasses off. On. Off. Back on. Back off. Paper close. Paper far away.
“…oh no.”
Bifocals.
“Oh well. I’m 44. These things happen.”
So I go get my eyes tested and get new frames. All recounted here and here, for the uninitiated.
Then, last night, this conversation took place between myself and Cute Redhead:
“Um…where are your new glasses?”
“Over there. Why?”
“You don’t like them?”
“I like them fine. Why?”
*staring
“How’s the book, Todd?”
“I like it. It’s this great stor—. Wait. Why?”
“You’re not wearing your glasses to read, Todd.”
“I know. I never need glasses to read.”
“A ha.”
*staring.
“…oh my God.”
I sit straight up in the bed and start laughing. Suddenly the eye doctor’s words come back to me, “The reason you’re eyes are feeling weird is because the lenses are over-correcting. You’re eyes are stronger than they were before.”
Which meant…
I GOT BIFOCALS AND DIDN’T NEED THEM.
I put them on. Pick up the book. No difference.
I take them off. Pick up the book. No difference.
I put them on. Bring the book close to my face. No difference.
I take them off. Push the book way back to where People Who Wear Bifocals Hold Reading Material When They Don’t Have Their Glasses.
Big difference. As in, I couldn’t read it far away. As in, I’m not far-sighted.
As in, I’m the biggest moron in the world.
I signed up for bifocals not needing anything like bifocals! At all. AT. ALL.
So there I am sitting in bed and laughing and all I can think of is the $ObsceneAmount.95 I just shelled out for the STUPID (big quotes in the air coming here again) “progressive lenses,” not to mention the cost of the eye exam the day before.
While Cute Redhead is lying there, one hand tucked under her cheek, ready to call it a night.
And smiling.
The smile that says, Todd, I love you Todd, you are a special kind of stupid.
I just got back from Round Five at the eyeglasses one-stop-shop place and worked it out with Salesperson Lady. Got new frames (the ones I wanted in the first place) (and here they are):
Yeah, I know: big fat hairy deal.
And that blue photo way up top? That’s the little test card they hand you after you try on your new “progressive lenses” and see if you can read the very bottom teeny-tiny print. Which I could.
“Ooooh! Look at that! I can read the very bottom teeny-tiny print! Yay progressive lenses!” That was yesterday.
Today, without glasses (and with the correct regular ones too) I picked up the little test card thing again.
“Oooh! Look at that! I can read the very bottom teeny-tiny print! I’m a moron!”
Good news: I don’t need bifocals after all (read: I have bionic eyes).
Better news: I saved money.
Best news: Even though I’m a special kind of stupid, at least I can see. Up close and far away.
I’m still thinking you look great with the new frames. Very european. Yeah. But it’s amazing how wonderful your superpowers are that you’re capable to read at the bottom of the test pages that you pictured above IN SPANISH! I don’t know why I do write to you in English, so poor my dominion of this Language is, when you’re more than capable to read in my very own Language.
LOL, Do it Frappe, post all your comments in Spanish! Can you see old-Todd go nuts! You could make fun of him and he wouldnt even know it…oh wait, we can make fun of him in english and he doesnt even know it.
Your assuming I can’t read Spanish lol