From the Archives: Turnabout Is Fairplay
Never let it be said that I’ll ask of anyone else anything I wouldn’t want asked of me. So, dredged up from the archives is the interview I submitted myself to and the answers, uncut and (mostly) uncensored. And though this is technically an interview and belongs in the WiP Mic section, I’m putting it up here because it made me laugh. Enjoy.
(…and please don’t read any of this back to me in court)
You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Hannah Montana. And her dad. I know you said only one person, but in my head he was standing close.
You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?
Darrell Evans. I know some of you love his music. But I don’t. Next?
Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
All the women on The View. Except Whoopi. I watched this show for five minutes once and realized I’d rather pour hot tar on my [censored] than listen to that screeching.
What is your favorite cheese?
You had to bring that up. I can’t remember the name. I had it once and I saw the Lord. I saw Him. I’ve been looking for it again ever since.
You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?
The BLT recipe from the August 2006 issue of Southern Living. And I’m not kidding.
You have the opportunity to [go on a nice date] with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached [nice date] and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Angelina Jolie.
You have the opportunity to [go on a nice date] with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?
Sandra Bullock. (In my head she’s loving it so much she sings.)
Now that you’ve [had a nice date] with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?
Nothing. I walk up to the first down-on-their-luck person I see and give it to them. And then walk away. Sort of like Touched By a Todd.
You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Fiji.
An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
Water. Not very creative, I know. But I love water.
Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
No idea who this ‘Rufus’ character is, so I’m going to say five minutes before my wedding where I’ll meet Past Todd and go, ‘…alright, I’m not supposed to do this, but here’s what’s coming. You better sit down…’
You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
“You do not talk about Fight Club Island.” And that’s all I’m saying. Because you do not talk about Fight Club Island.
You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?
Hm. I’ll call it Hug It Out. It will be hosted by me, Jeff, and Jill. We’ll shred people and make it real. Then after we’ve brought them to The Real, we’ll hug ‘em.
What is your favorite curse word?
The Queen Mother of All Cuss Words. It is. Mainly because, I’m sorry to say, I say it REALLY. WELL.
One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, what do you do?
Ask them if they laugh as hard as I do at Brendon Frasier trying to be tough.
Your house is on fire! What do you do?
Get the kids. Then the photo albums. Then the Macbook Pro and the iPhone.
The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
[go on a nice date]
You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?
*yawn. Flying.
You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The moment my first child was born.
You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Watching forty year old men on a giant swing yelling ‘frrrrRRRREEEEEEEEeeedoom!!!’ Yeah, my little girl has a swing too, you dorks.
You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who [goes on nice dates] with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out: you can move anywhere. Where are you going?
Oh whatEVER. Like any country can keep me out. I have super-powers and T.I.M.E. T.R.A.V.E.L. Hlewwww.
This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
The Little Bear. If you don’t know where it is we’re not telling.
Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question… If you did, then we’ll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like “Check it out I can FLY!?”
Good Lord Almighty what are you thinking! Nobody’s! Are you mad? I can’t afford to let anyone know I can do this or my cover is blown.
The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
John Candy. I miss John Candy.
‘how cold do you think it is?’……..’one’
i miss him too.
Um…so I am assuming that you just ran out of space and that Cute RedHead is next on the list, right there after the MacBook Pro and the iphone? And you wonder why you are in trouble all the time. Sheesh.