Jackpot

So last week, Dentist Lady decided that The Princess of Light and Splendor had a bottom row of teeth mimicking a clown car. Meaning there was no way all those little pearly whites were were going to fit in that precious little muzzle. At least not without a crow bar.

So Dentist Lady fit her out with those little rubber band spacer things last week in order to prepare for what had to happen this week. As in today. As in about an hour ago. As in I’m not sure how much longer I have to live.

She’s that mad at me, in spite of that smile you see up there.

I apparently failed to mention to her that though she was getting pulled out of school early today (woohoo!!), it had nothing to do with Dad Rocks and everything to do with pulling teeth (wha–??).

And I don’t know what you’ve been told, but this ‘laughing gas’ thing they use does not render good humor in little girls. When Dentist Helper Lady came out and told me everything was done, Baby Girl held on her hand which held the tiny white treasure box containing the elephant tus—

“…oh my God in heaven, what are those?”

“Those are her baby teeth.”

“So she’s a baby vampire?! LOOK at those things!”

“No. Those are baby teeth. We had to take those out to make room for her permanent teeth.”

“Permanent for what, biting through kevlar?!”

“Yes, well. It went just fine and I’m sure she’ll be a little sore when the laughing gas [my butt] wears off. So you’ll want to be sure and…”

[all kinds of doctor-to-attentive-parent directions none of which I was listening to, because I know this child and I don't care how much gauze they stuffed into her jaw, she was going to let me have it IN STEREO on the way home if I didn't think fast]

“—yes, right. Got it. Okay, more importantly…”

“Yes? Do you have a question?”

“Well…actually, yes. I know there have been budget cuts but I thought I should check just in case. Your office is, I trust, in compliance with Federal Regulatory Dental and Orthodontics Oversight Committee’s Best Management Practices For The Tooth Fairy Fiscal 2009-2010?”

[didn't miss a beat] “Oh, absolutely. We’ve just updated our database with the main frame and cached all our server’s overflow to a portal to be sure to accommodate the expected heavier traffic.”

“You’re expecting heavier traffic, huh?”

“We are. Did you get a look at those suckers?”

“I did. I’m thinking the Tooth Fairy is going to be laying down some serious bank tonight.”

And that’s why the photo up top shows her smiling.

I better call the bank and take out a loan.