Mothers, Hide Your Daughters
Okay, a few Firsts coming here.
First First: I’ve never posted a video on WiP but I’m about to. If the attempt breaks the internet (trust me, I’ve done it before), or your lights dim, or we lose power on the eastern seaboard….well. Um. Sorry.
Second First: I saw the most amazing thing in the world yesterday and I’m still not over it.
So there I was standing out front. Talking to my buddies Bill, who was about to see his whole flash before his eyes, and Herzog, who is the devil (more on him 1) later and 2) in an upcoming interview.)
Okay, see that kid up top? That’s Wyatt.
Okay. Now. Ladies? Take a break.
Men? I want your undivided attention. I’m certain you have all been wondering what in the world happened last night around 6:00 pm Rocky Mountain Time when you noticed the sudden disappearance of your testicles.
Didn’t see that one coming on the ol’ WiP blog, did you? (don’t even try lying).
Well. I can explain:
Your nuts (sorry ladies, but we are in full-on Guy Land and I’m not backing down even a little bit) were removed from your puny being by The Universe who decided that the little dude up there deserved every bit of Testosterone in the solar system.
So. There you have it. You are all now eunuchs. (But not me, Bill, or Herzog. We still have ours. Sorry. But don’t be mad. The only reason we still have ours is because we happened to be in the blast radius of Man Awe when that little dude did what he did right in front of God and everybody…and the gods of the Y Chromosome granted unto us, out of sheer unutterable joy, our nuts.)
And ladies, if this offends you. Well…I don’t care. You could be all ‘Okay Todd, that’s just over the line. The language. Please.’ And then you’d give me The Look or something or whatever. But I don’t care. For all kinds of reasons…including the fact that there are men the world over who are, right now, no longer real men because that little dude pulled into himself all the Real Man from all seven continents (and five surrounding counties).
Okay. So. There we were talking about Very Important Guy Stuff (meaning when you ladies ask us ‘so what’d you talk about’ we say, ‘nothing’). Which isn’t a lie. It really is true. But it’s not what you think it is. We could talk about curing cancer or cold fusion or where in the hell Jimmy Hoffa really is (I just dated myself bad), but it would all be wiped from our minds when something like What Just Happened happens.
What Happened:
We heard this scrape, screech, stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp (but like really, really fast stomping, right?), and then this sort of Barbaric Battle Cry. And then we stopped what we were talking about and, together, turned toward the sound of Something Amazing.
Something Amazing: about 25′ away, in the middle of the street was one of those ramps all the kids go over on their bikes and scare the living hell out of every parent worth their salt. All you moms who yesterday, right when all the dudes lost their nuts, suddenly and inexplicably stood up and yelled PUT YOUR HELMET ON! but don’t know why you did it?
That’s why you did it. Every molecule of ovarian whatever-it-is-the-runs-amok-inside-you-all turned inside out, flipped backward, divided, mutated and caused your uteri (that’s the Collective Motherhood thing) to hit Defcon -9000.
That’s what happened.
Okay. This actually gets even better.
When Bill (who is awesome) and Herzog (who is the devil but also still awesome) and I saw him do What He Did several things happened all at the same time:
First Thing #1: Bill had heart failure and went OH HELL NO!
First Thing #2: I realized there is a God and went OH HELL YES!
First Thing #3: Herzog almost snapped his neck right off his shoulders because he is the devil and locked onto The Presence Of Awesomeness.
Here’s what we saw:
…
…
…
I know. Watch it again.
…
Okay. I know, right? Words fail. (okay for most people, maybe, but I can’t shut up about this one lol).
Alright. Now.
As if this wasn’t already amazing all by itself…it gets even better. You may be wondering how in the world I got that on video when it all Happened So Fast, right?
Sit down.
The reason I got it on video is because IT’S TAKE TWO.
We. Lost. Our. Minds. Bill did the Dad Thing (and had five years shaved off his life), I did the Jackass The Movie thing (and yelled DO THAT AGAIN RIGHT NOW), and Herzog (the devil) saw a future athletic god pass by him in a blur of blond screaming underpants.
That is Wyatt.
Wyatt is the only man on planet earth (besides us three) (sorry).
Wyatt is a god.
Wyatt rules.
I am This Close to throwing a kegger in honor of Wyatt.
We cannot hide our joy. We cannot hide our pride.
So, mothers, hide your daughters.
Totally!! And with bare feet!! now THAT is Wild at heart!! Bet some well meaning female will have that beat out of him by the time he is 4, poor kid.
What an awesome little man. I genuinely hope some woman does not beat the wildness out of him.
I’ve watched the video over and over – such joy.
It’s the screaming down the street with his hair on fire I can’t get enough of…
I have shown most everyone in my office! We are rolling!!! He is a bada$$ at such an early age! HAHA!
LOL! I can’t take it! He was really cruisin’. And I loved his little smile at the camera right before his tail-dragging left-hand turn at the end there. What a fearless ham.