The Only Pain
Since I can no longer feign ignorance at what I’ve been avoiding, I might as well get it over with. And since it’s very much the stuff life is made of, I might also do well to open-palm what I’d sell my soul to white-knuckle…and let it go.
It’s been an odd summer around here. One of new challenges and new territory as the kids fly through the house and out the doors on their way to their friends, dawn to dusk. And past dusk. Just as it should be.
I usually love the summer vacation for its absence of morning schedule and routines. A chance to breathe deeper and let the days unfold as they will without a heavy-handed regimen breathing down anyone’s neck. And though, by summer vacation’s closing act, I’m more than welcoming the return to routine and rhythm…
…this year, I’m less so.
There’s been something gnawing at me for about a week but it took the slow saturation of a certain song to wedge its way into my heart and mind, without me realizing it. But successfully…so that what needed to be lanced, could be excised and (they say) healed.
Next Monday, my eldest goes to high school.
And I’m ready.
And I’ve been looking forward to this watershed day almost as much as he has.
And I couldn’t be happier for him.
And I feel nothing but pride and joy and anticipation for him.
And for me.
And all of this is Me Lying In Front Of God And Everybody.
My son is going to high school?
I just changed his diaper.
How the hell did this happen.
* * *
I haven’t written much on WiP by way of funny stories this last month. But don’t worry. There’s been no recession in the hysteria and I’ve been keeping notes.
The reason I haven’t pushed through and written things out is because, to be quite frank, very little felt funny to me in the midst of several rough situations demanding our attention. And it’s taken a while for things to settle inside me and surrender a different vantage than the first time around.
There are stories coming. And the second book is late (I know) but underway. And every bit as difficult to write as I expected it. It being written more from the season we’re in now where…
…we’re no longer bone-tired
…and they’re a long time out of diapers
…and they can actually make their own lunch
…and it’s no longer strange to grab the keys and run to the store without making sure everyone and everything is secure, watched, taken care of and safe
…and they grow more self-dependent every day
…and they’ve minds of their own
…and friends all over the place
…and fun things to do
…
…and it really was easier when they were babies. And the grownups ahead of me, a bit further down the road, were right when they smiled at us years ago with, “…this is the easy time.”
* * *
The only pain you can avoid in life is the pain that comes from avoiding pain.
So…on Monday?
I’ll wake him like I always have.
And make him breakfast like I always do.
And watch him go to
high school
And try not to think of his first day of kindergarten and how the backpack was bigger than him.
* * *
I hate this.
Time goes by and so us travel together with Time. And Time never stops, except in our memories, and even in them, Time changes everything and everyone.
Maybe the only pain we suffer is the pain that comes with avoidance, maybe indeed. But grow up is painful, because despite the illusion, the expectations and the joy that comes with it, grow up changes us so deep and so intense that we never be the same people again.
There were times… There were times and now is the moment to face up Time. They change, they grow up. But so we do. So we do. And it is painful but non conscious to them but it’s painful to us either, though we add consciousness to the process. And that make it heavier like a burden, a life burden.
But Time makes anything lighter in every sense, and brighter and unique. They’re changing. So you are. And that’s still marvelous. You always will be there for them. That’s a bond that last forever, though they just may get it too late. But it doesn’t matter anymore. You’re changing with them, and, though painful, it’s still a miracle. A miracle that happen through you and because of you. That’s real Life.
Very well said and I felt the very same painful feelings 4 years ago with my eldest daughter, And like the baby I am ran to the comfort of my parents home so I could sob like a 2 year old and not have my grown up teenager tell me I was embarrassing her!
I believe by the time she was able to drive I held my breath for a whole HOUR waiting for my babies to cruise in the driveway after a short ride through town to get milk that could’ve been achieved at the corner gas station.
AND let us not forget the “first” date-WOW be prepared for that Not sure if it different for boys but for your girl that day will hit you like the sledgehammer you wish you were holding when the date appears at the door-BIG sigh-clean cut, good work ethic, great greeting, and he opened the truck door for her! Cha Ching he has manners! Best Wishes Todd It’s a very fast ride!
Todd, thanks. Again, through your writing I see something that’s…foreign, I guess, is the best word. I’m glad for your children. I wonder if they know the huge bonus you are to them. Glad you’re posting this stuff, tho’ I don’t comment much–first time in fact. And, yes, I’m still awaiting book two, buddy. Dale